Your way and my way are one in the same

Why do we try to fit everything into boxes. We look at people and the first thing we look for is gender. Is the person male of female? If we can tell right off the bat, then no big issue, everything is fine and that persons first noticeable quality fits in one of two boxes and thus we have a comfort level and are able to move on to the next question whatever that may be. But what if you can't tell right away, what if it takes a second look, or even a third and what IF even after the third glance you still can't make up your mind, then what? Do you start to panic a tiny bit? What box do they fit into? How can you define someone and put them where they go if you can't figure out where they go?

So as a society I believe we struggle with this quite a bit. What would happen if we didn't try to fit EVERYTHING into this or that box? I have been thinking about this all day and decided that for me personally I MAY be able to fit some of the strangers I meet into a partial box some of the time but then inevitably I will try to do the same with myself (because that is where our comfort level is right?) and let me be the first to say "I DON'T FIT IN ANY DAMN BOX"! and trying to put myself there causes so much undo stress and pressure. So, as a wise woman tells me often, 'could I just for today, just for now, stop'?

Well I did just that, I saw someone that I could not immediately label (and really whats a box without a label) and instead of taking the time to try and figure it out for my ego/my comfort level I just let it go, and guess what? The world kept on spinnng and I lived AND I had the great thought that if I could let others out of the boxes I have made for them, then maybe just maybe I could let myself out of mine. What do you think about them apples? :)


disclaimer . . . I am obviously just using one issue, one label as an example but we do this non-stop all day for everything and I believe we, together, have the right AND obligation to brake down these boxes - They don't fit and never have. If anything they cause way more trouble then they are worth and we don't need that :O)

And I'm Running. . .

Yesterday I on a mile walk with my new fabulous neighbor and our two youngsters, then for a 2 mile walk with dear hubby and then to top the day off I got a new pair of running shoes and went for a run/walk on the Portland water front with my most favorite friend. We ran about 2 miles then to get food, of course. What an amazing day, so inspiring. Then today I went for a 1.5 mile run. I am so excited, maybe someday soon I will be able to call myself a "runner".

What a wonderful feeling. . . Tata for now back to life and kids :O)

MORE MORE MORE, consume consume consume

Ok - so here is my beef for the day, I think that we are taught (and you know its true) that the more things we acquire and the bigger and 'better' they are the further ahead we are in the game of life. For example, "oh my house is only a 2 bedroom 1 bathroom home if I could figure out a way to move into a 4 bedroom 2.5 bath house then I will have 'made-it' and finally be happy and have money" Why do we think that if we get a bigger house we'll automatically have more money? Wouldn't really the opposite be true? Why do we feed ourselves, and our children by proxy, these lies? Wouldn't our lives be less stress filled if we could just happy with who we are, just as we are?

I realize that most of this comes from the media and such, AND that most of us are just now waking up our 80's comas. Those crazy, buy everything maybe two because there was a "sale"and put it on credit card to "pay latter", eat ready made dinners on trays in from of the wooden TV (that had no remote), and who could forget Madonna - 80's that filled our early childhood. You know the clue should have been in the clothes, hair and make-up, that we were just not all there in the 80's.

So here we are now all starting to FINALLY stumble out of that just sit back and let things come to me era - but now what? We have systematically lost the knowledge of how to do things ourselves and are more reliant on the government and industry then ever before. We need to band together to teach what we do remember to others and find value and self worth in sustainability not spendability (not sure thats a word) So here is my plea to the universe. . . "Help us help each other! Help us to find communities again and loose these thoughts that we have to be totally independent to be whole and worthy in the eyes of others"

Anyone for a Run?

Ok so my last post was really on a Tuesday, you got me. Funny thing then that today really happens to be a Monday.

Today is the second day in a row that I have went running in the morning (ok really a mixture of run and walk). I have been wanting to run in the morning for some time now and have always been able to come up with an excuse for why I should not, guess I RAN out (laugh).

I feel so great, and so tired all at the same time but not the couch potato 'I haven't moved in 3 days and I am so tired I wont move for another 6' but the oh my gosh I love life kind of tired.

So here is the funny part. Every time I decide that I need less padding from the world, less of a bumper, buffer of protection, I have get these wonderfully overwhelming desires to do something rewarding for my body. So it doesn't feel like the usual 'I want to loose weight, I should go exercise' but more to the effect of 'I am ready to loose a bit more of my protective padding, I don't think I really need it. Oh an wow, I should really go swimming that sounds like a bast'. It really is the most amazing thing and the best part is that I know I am healthier holistically, body, mind and spirit!

Monday means MONDAY

I am finally ready for "starting Monday" and what a great feeling. Please keep me honest! I am going to try to take the kido's swimming today along, BURN those calories baby!

I have to say that I am happy that I gained the weight though. Now I know what you are thinking, that I am crazy, but I have to tell you that with out the extra 35-40 odd pound gained I would not have gained the experience nor the insight as to WHY I gained that weight. For this lesson I will forever be greatful. I got a glimpse into what may cause obesity for so many people. What a great gift.

So what was this awesome insight you ask? Well just this, we pad ourselves from life. For me personally I was padding from the stress of a move, of living with a very abrasive partner and from the overwhelming nature of being empathic. It sounds simple enough but it has such deep meaning. Its almost like we bubble wrap ourselves and then wonder why our clothes don't fit. For me it was eating that helped me feel comforted for others its the control over eating. If we could look past the labels of fat or skinny and realize that we are all dealing with the same issues it would make it so much easier to help one another AND ourselves.

I hope that I can take this wonderful opportunity that I have been given and turn it into something I can put in my toolbox of life to help others. First I have to prove my theory that your environment doesn't HAVE to change its how you react to your environment that has to change.

Here I start my walk towards letting go of my padding, thank you for walking next to me on this journey.

Recent dream

I go to sleep asking for help from my Angels and for dreams that will help me work through the issues I hold on to while awake.

My latest dream was about being trapped in an uncomfortable space. I had been in my own space/dimension with friends and we were goofing off and found ourselves in a lesser space/dimension (not evil just less evolved). We were there only a short time - in and out rather quickly. While my friends finished up what they were doing I decided to see if I could get back, I was curious.

I got in just fine but found myself unable to get out. The entire space was contaminated with a dark red-ish glow. I found myself years younger and with a boy that was trying to help me get back from where I came. They treated each other with little to no respect and there was violence everywhere.

We tried everything. Even after he escorted me back to the porch that was needed in order to "make the leap" back I couldn't do it. He eventually brought a turquoise light to shine to drown out the red hoping that it would help. It did not.

I had become too attached to this boy. How could I not? He was trying to help me, he was trying to keep me safe, didn't I own him at least that in return? I woke up before I had made it back safely but knew that I needed to finish THIS dream - I went back in to relaxing and had no idea how I was going to make it back but knew I needed to let the dream play out.

I did finally make it out of that space. I figured out that I couldn't take the boy with me. The most I could do was invite him and hope he made it out. Then I gave him a gentle kiss and made my leap of faith off the porch, finally not landing on the ground a few feet out.

I had made it!

This dream had so much meaning to me. I first found the colors very interesting.

• Red: Vigor, strength,energy, power and sex, and this red was a dark dirty yucky red and their world was just that
• Turquoise: freed soul, calmness and purity

But mainly I felt the dream was about letting go of false/ self imposed burdens. I didn't have a responsibility to ensure the boy made it safely. I just needed to make sure that I didn't get stuck in that place. The boy could and would take care of himself.

I think that it's hard for us because we are taught from an early age to help others before ourselves. IF someone goes against this fundamental teaching and helps themselves first they are branded selfish.

I leave you with this thought tonight. . . IF we are all here, on this earth, trying to find our true self's then is it truly bad to be "self-ish" once in a while? Can we ever really find our true self if we aren't "self-ish" at least once in a while? (And who says our true selves are so bad anyway?)

Happy adult, fact or fiction?

The writing bug is just not bitting tonight, maybe I threw her out with the excess that was in my crawl space.

Here I am on to organizing and today was my linen closet. I will tell you the funnest thing happen today, I realized that I am becoming happy. Yeah I know what you are thinking, why wasn't I happy before. Well my friend two things come to mind. One, I thought I was and two, I think because I was holding on too tight to the past.

This weeks lesson for me was this; getting rid of old emotional baggage is good. I don't know why because it seems so clear now but I thought that I could hold on to everything from my past (good and not so good) and still be able to open my arms to the future. I feel so SO much more free now and for the first time in a long time was very entertained by something simple again. (I read about a way to keep your bedding organized - put the sheets and pillow cases into an extra pillow case.) This little tiny bit of knowledge was so inspirational for me that I have decided to make/sew my very own bedding holders. The point here being that I found joy, true joy, from something small again.

I don't know when I stopped being filled with happiness but I am glad to say it's on its way back. My husband is cynical by nature and I think that perhaps, being that I am so sensitive, I took this into my own personality. Recently when I noticed my son picking up on this too, I knew something had to change. I am happy that I will now be a positive influence for my son, showing him that you can be happy and an adult all at the same time. :o)

Quick Quote

"A man is not idle because he is absorbed in thought. There is a visible labor and there is an invisible labor."

- Victor Hugo
(French Writer)

More clutter clearing

Today I found all the missing boxes. The ones I knew were there but were so tricky they eluded the eyes of my husband. So many more boxes! Boxes of kids clothes, as many if not more than I sorted yesterday, boxes of toys, boxes of junk, junk I apparently didn't want to sort before boxing, and then the boxes of fabric, lets not forget about my collection of fabric.

It is still a mess downstairs but I did make it 90% of the way and am going to go back down soon (wish me luck). But while I am taking a brake to feed, bathe and put my kids to bed I thought I would put down my feeling and thoughts from the day.

I think there might be a healthy amount of hushed mourning that goes along with sorting. Whether it is sorting out our lives or sorting out our crawl spaces. We start, ready to tackle the world, and then at some point there comes a pause. And then the questions start. Am I doing the right thing? Should I really be getting rid of all of this? Haven't all these items made up who I am? What will happen if I let them go? Can I let them go? Now there is the real question, can we let go of who we were to become who we are meant to be?

Scary isn't it? But why is that so scary? Isn't that what this, life, is truly all about? letting go, moving forward, letting go, moving forward. Could this fear just be the ego's way of trying to keep status quo? Trying to help us keep control over the uncontrollable? If I never let go of anything then the world around me will never change. As much as I would love to believe my ego when it tells me that, I have a sinking feeling its not true. Why not open our arms and welcome the new? It might be easier then bumping into everything because we can't see where we are going with our eyes focused on the past.

I will tell you, part of me is scared to bits of change, but it is coming whether I want it or not. I think we might be better friends if I welcome it into my life and don't have to be dragged kicking and screaming. Heres to always being able to see change, as a change for the better.

Day 1 continued (really day 3 but who's counting)

Today was all about cleaning out old clutter. Chris and I spent most of the day going through boxes and boxes of stuff starting with our kids' old baby clothes, something I have been dreading for years. Chris brought me 5 or 6 large boxes (one huge) and I sorted all of them and kept only 1 small box!! woo whoo! I did it. I know there are more under there that he just didn't see but I tackled what I had in front of me and that is all that matters. Then after moving so quickly through the baby clothes we moved on to our old clothes and then onto packed clutter. I am happy to say that we ended up weeding out much more than we kept, and a good majority of it went to Good Will. I think I have two boxes no maybe three downstairs right now total and small boxes at that.

So today was a good, albeit a very exhausting, day of getting rid of unneeded items. It is amazing the things we hold on to, afraid to let it go, afraid that someday somewhere if the world falls apart we may need this or that - how we would find it is beyond me but we keep it and for a time it makes us feel safe, secure and prepared. I think that all it really does is tie us to the past and in doing so keeps us from moving forward but maybe that is what we were really afraid of in the first place.

Day 1

Today is day one of my soul coaching in 28 days program by Denise Linn. Well I really decided to start yesterday but I have a feeling that day one might last a few days while I get set up and ready to go. With one baby behind me and one on my lap I sit here writing about my new journey.

Week one is the clearing your mental self week, and Day 1 is life assessment day (with the added task of clearing the clutter in your house). And now it is clear to all the mothers out there why day one may take a few extra days.